The Vortex

Trying to sleep last night
My mind seemed a Vortex
At the top was all the things I was remembering from my evening with my sweet mother
She was hearing beautiful singing, and thought she saw a bunch of cousins
Many whom she hadn't seen for years.

She commented many times on how wonderful the singing was,
the harmonies were so beautiful.

She even sang a solo the night before in a dream -
and thought she did pretty well.
A friend from ID told her in the dream that she didn't know Mom was a soloist.

Mom wondered if she had done alright.
I assured her the I was sure she did because
it was one of her and Dad's favorite hymns:
"I Come to the Garden Alone."

I helped her get ready for bed and tucked her in -
told her about a thousand times that I love her.
Told her to stay in bed and enjoy the wonderful music.

In my years of learning some hospice things while I worked there,
I read the book, "Final Gifts" - compilation of many hospice nurses'
experiences with the dying, so I was ready for some of Mom's ramblings.

Wasn't quite ready for her to talk to the cousins she saw in the room, but
that's okay. Whatever they said to her, she would smile back.


At the bottom of the vortex, where I found myself, I was surrounded
like a whirlpool of sadness.
Tears come easier right now.

I'm probably waiting for a call today -
either she goes to skilled nursing at the home, or she has gone to
her mansion that is finally finished.
I really pray it is the latter.
She is so ready.
She has lived 97+ years, and now she realizes that she has gotten really old -
in the last couple weeks, she says.

I think the Parkinson's has done enough damage and she needs to be released.
She won't like getting weaker and weaker - her legs don't want to work very well
anymore, and she said her muscles were just flabby hanging there.
She is very thin - hates the new semi-pureed food and thickened liquids she has to take.
She has fallen a couple of times in the past month, and she sits and counts her bruises.

This is so sad. My mother is such a sweet gentle soul, I pray that the Lord will show
his compassionate mercy and take her home gently - and soon. For her sake mostly,
and I guess for mine, because this continual grieving for the mom that used to be is
really, really hard.